Tuesday, January 3, 2012

A Love Letter to You.

    I got the call at two am, a phone call that early in the morning is never, ever good news it seems, I rushed to the hospital and they tried to warn me how bad it was, how bad your body looked. It wasn't enough warning, and I've always worked in the medical field, I've seen so much. But seeing you laying there with tubes coming out of every part of you, even knowing what they all were for didn't make it easier, to see your under fed body, so thin and frail. And I didn't even realize that tears were pouring down  my face until the nurse handed me tissues. Why, why did you do this to yourself? We had talked that day, I told you I would help, that whatever you needed I would be there, that I would pick you up, when you stumbled, that I would be strong when you couldn't be, that all the things you had done in the past, all the mistakes, the wrong choices, the people you had hurt,didn't mater. That the past does not define who you'll be in the future.
   And I meant it, I love you, you and I have been together since we were young, dumb high school girls who just wanted to be loved and accepted, and not knowing how to find that except in the wrong ways, with the wrong people. I don't know how we ended up so different, why I learned that you have to love yourself before anyone else can, I don't know why the Universe sent me people to show me that I am loveable and good. I tried to do that for you, Oh God I tried. I tried to show and tell you and give you all I could, even when you rejected me or made me feel bad because I had small kids and couldn't do the partying thing any more. I have always been here for you, I would have never given up on you. Why couldn't you see how special you are? So much talent, so much beauty, but no always believing what others said about you, why could you believe the bad and not the good?
       I am sorry if I wasn't there enough, I know I let you down a few times when I had to choose my kids over you, I'm sorry, I wanted to be a better mother than we had. It never meant that I didn't love you too. And now your gone, never will you draw funny, beautiful pictures again, never will I see your eyes that were so blue, I always said that God gave you part of heaven to carry with you. You'll never know what it feels like to be loved and excepted, honored, and to believe deep down inside that were good, that you were worthy to be loved. I loved you and though it wasn't in the same way a partner would have, you were my sister, my friend and you left me with out saying goodbye, and me to be in charge of everything. How will I do that? Who will I be able to say to 'its a bad hair day' and they'll know what that means? That it's not about hair at all, that I never care about stuff like that? Who will say to me stop being so serious and have some fun? No one else has ever seen me on my knees, I don't let them. I can't see the tears won't stop coming I love you goodbye.


MoonbeamDancer said...

I am so sorry for your loss. You have been so supportive of me, please let me return the favor and maybe we can help each other. There is a "poem" I put on my blog today that a friend sent to me, I think it applies to you also. (((Hugs)))

Moonbeam Dancer

RainbowGypsy said...

I am so sorry to hear about your loss and wish there was a way to heal the pain that you and others will be feeling... I can only hope that she has found peace and that those left behind will be able to heal. Be kind and gentle with yourself. ((gentle huggs))

FoxyMoron said...

I have only just seen this Natalie, Blogger doesn't update my sidebar properly so I don't get notifications of new posts.
So, so sorry that your lost your friend and that it appears you now have to deal with the aftermath.

My name WAS Female, I shit you not! said...