I REALLY HATE REALITY,FATE and SICKNESS

    Hello friends, so yesterdays jokes bombed? Really were they that bad? Sorry I'll try to do better next Sunday I promise!
    So tomorrow is my big "fun" day! Yepee I get do be at the hospital at ten thirty am to do my paper work and have my mammogram at eleven then at eleven thirty I have my ultrasound on my neck for that lump.
    I was suppose to get my blood work results today but the doctors office never called, so I guess I'll call them tomorrow. 
    I wish I would have put this off for a couple of weeks but I was afraid that my daughter Veronica and FoxyMoron would hurt me if I didn't get it taken care of.

   It's just Glo's CT scan and both end scopes are going to be done Thursday and really she needs my attention more than I do. I just want to know whats wrong with her and then fix it-yes I sound like a man!

    Here she is making watermelon balls on Sunday, she looks so perfect on the outside, how can she not be on the inside? And that's my son-in-law washing dishes in the background, what a good man.
   Honestly friends I'm so worried and stressed, I hate not being in control of this. 
    So I kinda lost it Friday(Glo wasn't home)when Veronica let me know that our friend's son has Crohn's and basically he's dying little by little always in and out of the hospital. 
    What if that happens to my baby girl? How do I forgive myself? How would I go on without her? Sorry losing it again. Damn I hate crying.
    Light candles, say prayers whatever you do please cause right now I can't do that. I'm to mad, hurt,lost, scared and emotions I can't put names to.
Please she's my baby.


















   

Welcome to the Nut House!

   Hello friends, it's been a crazy busy day. A beautiful hot day here which is great but I really wanted to work on my gardens today but ran out of time. Oh well there's always tomorrow! I'm not going to stress over the little things anymore(right).
    Gloria had a Doctors appointment with her new Gastroenterologist Dr. really nice and funny guy. So the twenty-forth she has to have a CT scan-at seven am(!) which means leaving here at six am(ugh) and then a upper and lower Colonoscopy at two pm.
   He thinks she has Crohn's. It's likely since she already has an autoimmune  disorder(Arthritis) and I guess a lot of time they go together. It just sucks that it seems to happen to her, everything and anything. 
   I know it makes her stronger and that there's probably a divine reason for it-blah blah blah. I don't care right now she's my baby and I just want her to be healthy, you know?
   It just seems so unfair! I don't want to hear that life's unfair damn it I know it is! I'm allowed to rant for a moment here, it's my blog and I'll bitch if I want to.

  The sad thing to me is that she just accepts it-not that I don't want her to-but she just acts like "OK what else can go wrong with my body" Never gets mad just kinda sad acting. Just seems to think this is her lot in life and I think it's part of her depression, well this and the unforgivable act that was done to her.

   

   OK I know there are others with worse problems than we have but she's my baby and it hurts me that she can't even have a BM without it hurting.
   Now on with the worse news-school's out the twenty-third! A bunch of teenagers complaining about "I'm bored" though they never want to do the chores I offer them, or any of the idea's I give them of what they can do, I don't know why(hehehe).
   I have to admit that I'm excited more this summer than last-I'm working from home now and we can go to the beach and do fun things with no worry's about getting home in time to go to work! Yippee!
   Have I told you that my dog Rascal has learned how to open the back door? Crazy damn dog, and he's learned how to escape from the yard. I warned him today that if I have to chase him down one more time his balls were getting chopped off! I don't think he believes me though, damn dog.

   Does he look like he's sorry to you? Me either! Bratty dog.
   I'd put in a doggy door but I'm afraid of the coons coming in, or god knows what else! My luck a skunk! 
    Well I still have house work to do and bathe Hailey dog, oh and work I guess I had better gt off here. Until we meet again.....

              www.woman2woman.freeforum.org
                           Where you never have to feel alone again, we're here to listen.

The Bitch is Back

  Hello friends, sorry I've been gone awhile but I needed time to figure out how to feel better and not hurt, alright kill someone. Cause that's how I felt, hurt me, use me, treat me like shit, but you better not fuck with my kids again or I WILL hurt you and I know your reading this.
   Brock my baby I'm proud of you and the way your handling this.
   And Gloria my daughter who has over come so much, defeated some demons that adults can't, proved those teachers wrong, you are smart, you are strong, please baby don't let this person-who isn't worth your tears bring you down. In the great words of Pink, listen and believe these words:
                Pretty, Pretty Please

Made a wrong turn, Once or twice
Dug my way out, Blood and fire
Bad decisions, That's alright
Welcome to my silly life


Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss "no way, it's all good", It didn't slow me down
Mistaken, Always second guessing
Under estimated, Look, I'm still around


Pretty, pretty please
Don't you ever, ever feel
Like your less than Fuckin' perfect.
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like your nothing
You're fuckin' perfect to me.


You're so mean, 
When you talk, About yourself, You are wrong.
Change the voices, In your head
Make them like you Instead.


So complicated, 
Look happy, You'll make it! 
Filled with so much hatred
Such a tired game.
It's enough, I've done all I can think of
Chased down all my demons, I've seen you do the same.
Oh, Pretty, pretty please
Don't you ever, ever feel
Like your less than fuckin' perfect.
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like your nothing
You're fuckin' perfect to me.


The whole world stares so I swallow the fear, 
The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer.(coke Glo)
So cool in line and we try, try, try, 
But we try too hard, it's a waste of my time.
Done looking for the critics, cause they're everywhere
They don't like my jeans, they don't get my hair
We change ourselves and we do it all the time


Why do we do that? Why do I do that?
(Why do I do that?)


[Yeah~, Ohh~ pretty pretty please, Ohh~]


Pretty, pretty please
Don't you ever, ever feel
Like your less than Fuckin' perfect.
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like your nothing
You're fuckin' perfect to me.


You're perfect, You're perfect
Pretty, pretty please
Don't you ever, ever feel
Like your less than Fuckin' perfect.
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like your nothing
You're fuckin' perfect to me.


      You are my daughter Gloria, I LOVE YOU, I will always be here for you, I will always accept you as you are. I am your biggest fan, always have been always will be.
                                 Love Mommy
P.S.
Remember what I said, they are just jealous of you.

Excuse me While I Brag!

   Hello friends, sorry but I'm going to brag on my kid here: Gloria made varsity cheerleader! Not a normal thing when she's only going to be a tenth grader next year!
    Yep I'm a proud mommy! And for all of you that think cheerleaders are dumb she also makes straight A's oh and ya I WAS a cheerleader too, and I am Very Smart! Just saying.
    I'm proud of all my children, they are all super smart(not bragging just stating a fact all have high IQ's) and have turned out well despite the fact that their parents haven't always made the best choices. 
   So after a grueling four hour tryout session Gloria was starving so her and I went out to eat, she ate a half of pound hamburger, baked potato, salad and then ice cream! This morning before tryouts she had biscuits and gravy, sausage, a bowl of cereal and three fiber cookies. It's not like she had nothing all day.
     I don't know where in that little five foot four and a hundred and three pounds she stores all that food at!
    So in her honor I'm putting these pictures up,some  are not in the best shape.

That's her on the left this is two years ago in compition

Her far right waiting to run on

Her after you can tell she's in pain. 

Her in the air closes, hard to get pictures, move to fast!

8th grade

Her this year up on top!

Her this year in front leading!

     You can tell compition hurt her physically, this was before we knew she had Arthritis. It didn't matter to her how much pain she was in she was determined to finish and not let her team down.
    And now I must go, because my little champ came home after eating that huge meal and fell asleep without any blankets on. Until we meet again....

TGIF!!!

   Hello friends, this week has been crazy! And good! The first good news is Gloria is all better from this latest bug, but her arthritis Dr called today and said her blood work came back and I need to get her into her regular Dr. and have some blood work done her white cells are a little to high and she's anemic again. This poor kid. It never ends. You know?
   I refuse to think any negative thoughts about this, not going to worry until I have to. It's was done a week before she got sick so it was probably that. I'm not going to worry about this until I need to (yes I know I said that already!)
     In my business life everything is going really, really well, so that's good! I am learning more and more every day!
     So this next two weeks I'm going to be really busy, between work and finals (yuck) I'm going to try and write here at least every other day, or late at night when I can't sleep from being stressed out! 
    Why is it that when really good things happen to me my first instinct is to cover my head and wait for the other shoe to fall? Why can't I just be excited and say  " Ya look at what all my hard work has brought!"?
     Oh and this pretty much sums up my marriage right now!

    That's about it for now sorry so short! Until we meet again.......






    

Beautiful Day for Bridget

      Hello friend, it was so beautiful outside today, the sun was shining and almost 70 degree's, Sunday it snowed! this weather here is crazy! It was so pretty I went outside and sat in my spot and just chilled. It's to wet to walk in the woods. I was sitting out there and trying to send some healing love and thoughts to the Grandmother in the town where the tornado went though remember the picture I posted?
     Well apparently a mom, dad and three children under three where in that car that was picked up and dropped ten miles down the road. The only survivor was the two year old, and she died Saturday. So that poor woman lost her daughter(21) and her son in law (20) and all three of her grandchildren. I just can't imagine the pain she's going through. They didn't tell us her name.
      It was so pretty today I just felt or wanted to feel like everything was going to be good, how could it not on such a glorious day?
     Ya right this is my life we're talking about. Brock woke up sick and I got a text from Gloria to come to the school. A boy took her compass and she took it back and I guess he didn't like that(he's a new kid) he got in her face and started  yelling and cussing. She turned her back on him and walked away. The teacher sent them both to the principles office.
    She called me to soon cause she wasn't in trouble, but not until I got there did I find that out! She's at a Spelling Bowl now, she won't admit it but she's so proud of herself, I'm so proud of her too.
     OK I know that to most of you this won't mean anything but to the few who have been here since the beginning and know what she's gone through this will.
     Gloria's got a boyfriend! It's Kyle, her once friend that stood by her while she went through hell and was mean to all of us, he took it, he let her say anything. He was always understanding of her and made excuses for her behavior. I got pictures!

       OK not the worlds best pictures. And I know their young, I'm excited cause I think this means she's getting better. Starting to trust again, to feel. I was so afraid she would never trust again.
        So we just celebrated Imbolic on last Wednesday and according to legends if it's nice out Bridget wakes up and get's more wood and winter last until the wood runs out. Here it was 70's. I really hope she gets up and enjoys the sunshine. I was glad it was nice last Wednesday for Gloria's birthday but I'm over the weather here. Everyone getting sick cause one day nice the next day freezi

     I told you Brock is sick, normally his eyes are grey but when he's sick their like this blue-green color-so beautiful. You can't really see it, I wish you could.
     My this blog was boring today! Sorry it was a pretty good day! I passed my midterm in math, three more test Thursday. The day was pretty, and I think I got all the bugs out of Woman to Woman and there's twelve of us now, hopefully more soon.
      Just remember there's no shame in needing someone to talk to, and even if your life is "perfect" having a group of women around you is always good.

   
                                              Http://womantowoman.freeforums.org


              Until we meet again..............

        Hello friends, I was wondering how you get everything done? I feel like a juggler trying to keep all my balls up in the air. Husband, kids, college, getting new business off the ground, keeping the house clean and all that goes with running a home (cleaning, laundry,cooking, grocery shopping,etc.) making time for friends and older children who live on their own,pets, oh and ya me.
        When I list them down here it doesn't sound like that much. I do have a organized home that's one of my 'things' I can't stand not being able to find something. I don't watch T.V. any more(no time). And I don't know if it's harder for me because on top of all that Gloria has so many Doctor appointments and with the social workers and lawyers meetings it all just seems to much. I know I'm being whiny, I was just hoping someone had some tips, or suggestions because I know we're all busy.
      Despite what it might sound like I am feeling better and my stress level feels better, even though Jon got mad and ran away from home last night. Usually when I don't know where he is I panic, but not last night. Don't know if its because my system just couldn't take anymore or what but when Brock found the note Jon wrote and left behind I was like OK, whatever. He'll come back. My acting that way freaked out Gloria,Brock and Hayley so much that they went out looking for him. He was in the shed. My life is CRAZY. How did I end up with all these kids?

       Veronica got edo today (which means the hospital patient level was low) and didn't have to go to work so I didn't have to watch Jaxton, but I'm going to spend time with him Saturday.
      I'm kinda excited about the Blog Hop today. I probably won't get to go to very many of them but still it's kinda cool seeing other peoples blogs and how they decorate them and what they write about. It's kinda like looking into someones medicine Cabinet or being a peeking Tom! Not that we would ever do anything like that! LOL!

      I found this picture on my computer when I got home from getting my hair done, at first I was going to yell at them for being on my computer, but then I just laughed. That's Hayley, Brock's friend 'Fluffy' and Brock. What can I say? Crazy kids. Yesterday Dave, Ricks brother, came over and I saw something I never noticed before. Hayley looks just like him! Where my husband is blond and blue eyed Dave is dark haired and brown eyed (and very good looking, plays music like Rick, but isn't the sharpest tool in the shed and is a druggy).
Could him and Katie um, had relations? Probably, they both did drugs and drank to much. Would she have told me? No. So I don't know, does it change anything? No, I wouldn't let Dave take care of a plant. She's mine now and really she has been since birth.
     Well it's early here and I usually don't blog this early I just had a need to talk without any one hearing I might blog again tonight. Until we meet again.........

I Need Some Cheese for My the Whinying here!

      Hello friends, I don't know whats wrong with me today, I just don't feel like doing anything, even my English homework and I love English! The only thing I've done today is some laundry and made an appointment to get taxes done! How lazy is that?!
       I did take Gloria to Riley's Children Hospital, which took forever to get to and had to go the super long way because of the super bowl crap. Poor Gloria had a man Doctor who after listening to all her symptoms decided to exam her anus with a finger probe, which sent her into tears before it even began. Then he goes on to talk about all the reasons it could be happening Crohn's etc then says she doesn't fit into those area's either. And tells me to give her a stool softener and fiber and call in a few weeks if these aren't working. Really! AS if I haven't already been doing these things!Seriously! I am so mad! Thirty dollars in gas, ten in parking to be told to do something we've already been doing! It just a good thing I'm not a violent person!
       I feel like my whole life is on hold until my money comes through and of course don't know the exact date on that, cause that would be just to damn easy! And I still don't have the whatever to do my homework! I was hoping writing all this down would make me feel better, but nope, just want to go to bed. Not even enjoying the super nice weather Indiana is having, 50's and 60's but windy, strange. It'll probably bite us in Feb.
       Enough about me, I should be able to update Maggie's blog later today or tomorrow she's at Riley Children's Hospital right now getting more test done that poor little girl.
        With all the pain poor Maggie goes through you wouldn't blame her if she was a brat and whiny little girl, but she isn't. I think she has a lot of empathy in her. She seems to know when others are sad and scared, she'll go get one of her own toys and give it away to the child just to make them feel better. She always thinks about other peoples want and needs before her own, and she's only eight! Crazy huh? I told you she was a special little girl.

Jackie I accidentally erased the paypal info you sent me(yes I seem to have my head up my ass lately) could you please resend it to me? Sorry.

Shit, I'm just not good.

       So today started out as a normal if not freezing day, first get to school and my first class is cancelled, go to next, then third class is cancelled, I was suppose to stay until nine pm but it's sleeting and getting icy and I just didn't feel up to going off the road and into a ditch today, I don't know why just wasn't in the mood for it, especially for a class I'm just not into.
      So I came home did my homework sent it in(no people we no longer turn it into a teacher everything is done on the computer) then I got a call from Glo's shrink and yep she's bi-poler. I guess I was hoping that all her "craziness" from earlier in the year was from the rape. I should have known, if anything could go wrong for my sweet baby girl it will. I know she can still have everything in life, but my heart is broken and I can't stop crying and I don't want to offend anyone it just so much is already wrong with her, it seems she got all the bad DNA. And well I live with a manic-depressive now called bi-poler, it's not easy. And crap she's already twice stop taking her pills and I have to explain/beg/force her to take them again. Just like her dad.
       You know Veronica has a lot of the same things wrong with her. She got RA at 3, she has a lesser case of I.B.S. She has a lot of the same autoimmune disorders, but never have they been this bad. I don't know if Veronica just always seemed stronger,or I just always knew she'd be OK. I just don't remember worrying about her so damn much. And no Veronica isn't bi-poler. Look how beautiful my baby girls are, and I wish if the Universe is doing for a reason she lets us know what the fuck that reason is. Sorry I'm a bummer today. I'm tired and sick.

     The one with both of them is kinda old about 3 years but it's one of my favorites a long one where their both dressed as Angels, Veronica the good angel, Gloria the bad.  Thats all I have today, I was going to put a joke up but it'll have to wait, just not in a jokie mood.

Just Another Day.

      Hello friends hope all of you are keeping warm! It's freezing here with that rain/wet coldness, burrrr. Before I get to far please everyone send prayers and healing out to Logan he is ishityounot's grandson and they just had to ship him off to a hospital kinda far from home, he has a mass growing in his neck, also calmness and hope for his grandma. And her friends son Carter was in a car accident and has many broken bones, so pray for fast healing for him.
       On to good news Dark Mother Goddess is back but as The Hippy Jersey Devil according to Can we Have a New Witch Ours   Melted ( though I couldn't find it I did ask her to put up a link). I'm happy she's back, I love both of their sarcasm and humor, they both say what we're thinking, you know it's true!
        Well I did it, I did something I said I'd never do, yep I bought sweat pants! Normally I wear jeans or yoga pants but I freeze at school and on Wednesday I'm there almost 12 hours and being cold that long wears me out! Jeans and yoga pants aren't warm enough! I'm only going to wear them on Wednesday cause I can handle it the other days. I don't care what I look like there and besides all the other students do it(wow I sound 12)!
        My neck still hurts, but it's better since Loran, from Loran's Heart told me to mix some Lavender with oil and gently rub it on my neck, still by the end of the day aaaw! I hope you all went to her beautiful website the last time I mentioned her. She's a really sweet and wonderfully wise woman.
         So I'm working on a descriptive essay for school and we are not allowed to use the words: I, you, we, your, mine, me basically any words that describe a person. FUN try explaining how something looks,smell,feels,taste or sounds with out those words! Thank goodness I have a week to do it! 
        I hope this blog today didn't bore you to death! By the end of the week my friend Gaelach is going to writing a guest blog on here about these awesome herbal pillows she makes and sells,I'm really excited about it and she is a really sweet girl and I think you'll love her as much as  I do.
       Finally got Gloria an appointment with a Doctor for her IBS, it was hard because no one wants to see someone under 17, crazy! Have to take her to Riley Children's Hospital about an hour and a half away from here. Really. If it helps I'll do anything so she's not in pain and stops bleeding every time she has a BM. Fiber etc isn't working. Can you tell she's my sickly kid? Yet she doesn't look it and hides it so well most Dr's don't believe it. Seriously.
     Well I better hit the books! Until we meet again.........