Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Alot of Thinking Going On Here!

      Hello friends, I've been in a weird place today. I woke up feeling sick and tired like I hadn't slept, and I had. So I stayed home from school and just chilled. Probably should have went to school but just couldn't get up to it.
        I did do some thinking and I think since Gloria's rape and the other things that happened last year I have been running, keeping so busy that I don't have time to think, to feel. I mean I've never been the type to just sit around and be lazy but I think I've kinda gone a little over board. Maybe that is why I'm having trouble eating and sleeping. You know those women who get their hair done monthly and buy themselves things all the time? That's not me. Oh I wear make-up
and try to look decent and I bathe(hehe) but I don't do things for myself, always putting the kids and Rick before me.
        I also think (if I'm going to be honest with myself) I have an eating disorder again, and if not full blown then getting there. I had one as a teenager, it's a control issue. And I think I felt/feel like I've lost some control over my life last year. Maybe I shouldn't be writing about this but originally that's why I started writing this so I'd have a place to write my thoughts out and try and make sense of these thoughts in my head.
        If you've learned anything about me in these last few months you know I will worry or think about this  until I have a solution to my problems. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel sorry for myself, shit happens to everyone, no one is immune to it. I just think I've had one blow after the other without being able to breathe between the events. And so I think I've made choices that perhaps I wouldn't have if I had had the chance to recover from each one.
      Which leaves me still in the same place: What do I want and need?
Well after much research I found someone who's good with curly hair and who won't pressure me into straightening it again. It's why I stopped getting my hair done. I'm getting it done tomorrow, before I chicken out.  I also found a place to go where their suppose to teach you how to calm yourself down and relax, going there too tomorrow after Math class.    
        I went back to school because my job in Nursing was physically breaking my body down, and besides I had never really wanted to be one but had three kids to support on my own at the time. I'm not sorry I went back because in a round about way I would never have discovered you and blogging, let alone working on the internet. I just don't want to be what I thought I wanted then. As you know I want to help other women to get back on their feet, teach them how to be financially independent. So not quite sure yet what I want to do about school. I'm not going to rush into anything this time.
         I may not have all the answers yet but at least now I'm seeing the problems and trying to fix them. I miss Natalie, I miss how she use to be. I was always sure everything would work out somehow and I didn't worry about things. Now I worry all the time. I hate it, it's useless to worry. Worrying is like rocking in a rocking chair, it's something to do but won't get you any where. I want to believe that the universe is on my side again. I want to believe I'm a good person and it's not my fault that all these shitty things have happened. And I just don't know that any more, but I want to.

       At first I felt so horrible for all these feelings I'm having. There are so many people who are worse off, but then I told myself what I've said to so many other people: your feelings are your feelings, their not right or wrong, they just are and having them doesn't take away from other people. Sometimes I'm just so smart! Lol
    Pity party is over, sorry but you didn't have to read this the X is above and to the right. I found this today and it made me think of Pat, I hope it doesn't hurt your feelings.

         I hope I didn't bum you all out today, I promise tomorrow I'll be better! Until we meet again........

P.S. Update on Maggie


FoxyMoron said...

Nat, the blogs I love to read are the honest and real ones, the ones that tell everything, good and bad. I lost interest long ago in "Pollyanna" type blogging where people supposedly had perfect lives and nothing bad ever happens. It's your blog and you can write what you want.
I think you're on the right track with your thinking, and also admitting you might be heading towards another eating disorder, insight will go a long way to getting you past the issues you are having.
And yes you ARE smart! :)

Patricia said...

Found you on Blogaholic. I am enjoying your blog. I am headed over to check out your other blogs.
I am gladly your newest GFC follower. When you get time come visit my blogs. Love comments!

Patricia aka Mamaw

Jenny Melrose said...

I love that you are real in what you write. I found you through blogaholics. I'm your newest follower. Stop over to and say hi.


same more..make it about you for a change.