Sunday, July 1, 2012

Sunday's Funny's

     Hello friends sorry it's been a while since I've done my Sunday Funny's for some reason I just haven't had it in me. But as I said before I'm done with letting people steal my joy, I have many blessing's in my life and you my friends are some of the best one's.
Name Warning
 On a street, where the speed is limited to 30 mph the police stop a driver.
"Not only have you been driving too fast, you've been passing cars where it is not allowed.  Your lights don't work, your tires all completely worn out.  This is surely going to cost you a lot.  What's your name?"
"Schtrathewisizeski Vocgefastilongchinic."
"Well, I'll let you go this time but don't do it again." 

There was a bit of confusion at the store last night. When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
 Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
 When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.
 I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
 They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!
 Does that hurt?

We live in a small town where we have a volunteer Ambulance Corp.  We are blessed with many dedicated and fully qualified attendants, who staff our ambulances and give freely of themselves.  I was chatting with one of the EMS responders one day and she could hardly stifle a chuckle, so I asked her what was so funny and she told me this story...
It seems that she had gone to an automobile accident and was checking a patient who was lying on the road for injuries.  As she knelt beside him and probed him, she asked, "Does this hurt or does that hurt?" After each probe, he replied, "No." When she had nearly completed her examination, she shifted to a better spot from which to finish the examination when after one of her probing questions, he exclaimed very loudly, "That hurts!"
When she asked where, he looked up at her with a look of real pain on his face and said, "Your kneeling on my fingers!"


Resume Blunders
How bad a mistake can you make on your resume?  Here are some real-life examples:
"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."
"Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting."
"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
"Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."
"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
"I am a rabid typist."
"Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side."
"Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."
"Proven ability to track down and correct erors."
"Personal interests: Donating blood.  15 gallons so far."
"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."
"References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."
"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."
"Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."
"My goal is to be a meteorologist.  But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
"I procrastinate--especially when the task is unpleasant."
"I am loyal to my employer at all costs...Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voicemail."
"Qualifications: No education or experience."
"Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."
"Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."
"Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"
Cover letter: "Thank you for your consideration.  Hope to hear from you shorty!"

Safe Sex
 When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him,
and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.
 "Tarzan not know sex." he replied.
 Jane explained to him what sex was.
 Tarzan said "Oh ...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
 Horrified Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you
how to do it properly."  She took off her clothing and laid down on the
ground. "Here,' she said, pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here."
 Tarzan removed his loin cloth and
stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!
 Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually
she managed to gasp for air and screamed,  "What did you do that for?"
 Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."

Smile For the DMV
When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. 
The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.
He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."
The clerk looked at his picture closely. 
"It's okay," he reassured the man, "That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway.

     I hope I made you smile! Until we met again..


FoxyMoron said...

Good ones Natalie! I think we all need a good laugh right now!


now that made me laugh.

Intricate Knot said...

Hilarious as always, Natalie!! And you made my day! I burst out laughing especially with:
"Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far." Bizarre!
"References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me." Hahaha! At least she/he is honest!!

Thanks for the laughter! xo