Monday, August 20, 2012

Monday's here again.

    Hello friends, I hope all of you had a good weekend. I have to say mine was awesome because I spent it with my friend Katie and we went to Michelle Fultz's Meta Physical Expo, then to the State fair then back to the Expo.
    We walked so much! It was nice to be with my friend who loves me as I am! I found this couple at the fair that made jewelry out of crystals and stones, they're retiring and gave me such great deals!
    The expo was great because not only did they have some supplies I needed but I also got to meet Michelle, it's so neat to meet someone who you have been reading their beliefs and she is so wise and kind.
    I've always known that I have low self esteem and that I don't believe in myself enough-which is why I try and lift others up, I guess for me it's hard to believe anyone could possibly like me, let alone love me. I'm not sure why I feel these things about myself.
     I need to work harder on these things just not sure how, you know? How do I convince myself that I am worthy to be loved and respected? How do I love myself like I do others? It's hard for me to lift myself up, but so easy for me to do it for other people.
     I did finally make some decisions and I think some big changes are coming my way-which scare the hell out of me- but if I don't things here will stay the same and I can't stand that thought. 
    Changes scare me sometimes. Turning my world upside down gives me a tummy ache. But this summer I came really close to wanting to end my life. I have never thought about that before. Never, and I'm not now, being betrayed, lonely and feeling like I had no one to lean on did that to me. No support system is hard to live without.
    I am feeling better. And I'm trying to make those hard choices. I'm making some plans too and not letting myself be so isolated. I'm letting go of the things I can't control or change, well I'm trying to anyway! Until we meet again......

5 comments:

FoxyMoron said...

I'm so sorry you felt that way Natalie and that you had no support, I can totally relate to that, it makes everything harder doesn't it?
You are sounding so strong now though and I'm glad you had that weekend away to get a bit of perspective on things.
Change is scary and the older you get the harder it gets.
You're stronger than you think!

Intricate Knot said...

Change is scary, you are not alone in feeling that way. AND loving ourselves is difficult...for a lot of reasons, but honestly, really, and truly when we love and take care of ourselves and hold ourselves in the highest of esteem we are even better at loving others. There is no shortage of love, loving just creates more love.

I know that sounds kind of hippie, but I really believe it's true!

You're good at loving, Natalie...you just need to give some of that love to yourself and believe that you deserve it. Remember to do something nice for yourself every day, even if it is just something small.

I think you are fabulous. xoxo

YELLOWDOG GRANNY said...

my theory about change is...it can't be any worse than what I've got going now or I wouldn't want to change it..
you go for it.

Janice's footsteps said...

It is great to hear you had some fun and happiness this weekend, I too know of that depressed no love for myself feeling but once I grasped the I have to accept what I can and well just shrug off what I can't things do seem lighter not perfect or great but better and better is good. You have a support system here from me I care and will always listen and encourage so Hang in there girlie better days are yours for the taking :))
It all comes about with the 1st step and it sounds like you have taken it.

My name WAS Female, I shit you not! said...

Everyone is SPECIAL, including YOURSELF Natalie. (((hugs)))Pat